Healthy body...fit mind!

I've finally made a decision that's okay with me. I've been battling my post-comp psychotic body-image long enough. It's time to just be. Just be me and live my life. I'll be my happy self again one day. And I'll learn to love me and my body again. I'll learn to find extreme gratitude in simple and/or basic things that I experience and learn about myself. It's important and it's necessary. I have made a decision to never compete again. I can't do that to myself again. Before I ever competed I think I was sane. Now post-competition I think of myself as a little psychotic and loony. I spent so many months worrying about me, only me, my food, my workouts, my sleep, my feelings, my world...nothing else seemed to matter. Yes, I have read that there are other ways to do it and it doesn't need to consume your life but what's done is done and that was the way it was for me. And then post-comp you go back to realizing that it's not all about you. Not in the least.

And then (and for me...FINALLY!) you start remembering that it's about living...truly living! Taking long walks in your beautiful neighborhood because you want to and because you LOVE the smell of night jasmine in the air or the smell of roses or gardenias and not because you need some LISS cardio. Eating crackers, cheese, salami, and grapes along with a glass of wine as dinner because it brings back great memories and is also delicious! Rollerblading because it is something I truly truly love! Doing pilates and/or yoga because again it is something I enjoy. Or taking a dance class. How about Indo-Row? What happened to that? Haven't taken that forEVER! So as you see my life was much much fuller before I competed. I did all kinds of activities and had a full social calendar. It's not that way anymore and I'm done with that life.

I want to have fun, make brunch and have friends and family over to relax, unwind and ENJOY great food! Not because it has the right macronutrient makeup but because the flavors are TO DIE FOR!!! Yep! That's where I'm going now. I know I had written in my last post that I was going to be in 100% but I guess I'm allowed to change my mind. And so I have. I'm starting here and I'm going places at my own pace. And I'm finding the ME that makes me the happiest. I know what it takes to be super lean and fit. Do I want that? No. The simple answer to that is no. I don't.

I want a body that is healthy and a mind that is fit. In other words, whatever ideas I had when I started my contest prep are gone. I don't want to worry every minute of every day about what to eat when or why. I don't want to have to worry about getting to the gym for a certain number of workouts. I'm not being rebellious. I'm just going with what feels good. WOW! I've learned a lot about myself recently. I think back to the times when I was happiest. And about 5 years ago or so I was happy as a clam. I went to aerobics when I wanted. I rarely did weights (because I really didn't know what I was doing at the time). I dabbled in yoga, pilates, hiking, inline skating, biking, dancing, swimming, etc. And guess what? My body AND mind felt great! I was happy. I enjoyed life. I was an average size with some average muscle but at the end of the day when I went to sleep...I felt great. I remember occasionally cooking with cream and butter. I remember eating fruit. But mostly I remember being happy and enjoying food and being active! Fit I may or may not have been. Active and healthy I certainly was. And guess what?!? I'm going to go back there. That is a space I mentally and physically want to reclaim. And so I will.

I did my figure competition and I did the post-comp blues and now I'm doing me. I'm sure I will struggle since having some fat on my body is something I'm still struggling with that didn't really bother me before. One day fairly soon I'll write my story of how I came to be physically and emotionally the person I am today. And today, Friday, August 19th, will be a jumping off day for me. The day I start to fall in love with myself, say kind things to myself, and truly appreciate my body not for how it looks but how incredibly amazing and fantastic I feel. Yep! Today's the day!

Here's to a healthy body and a fit mind. It's a beautiful balance of the best life has to offer! And so from today forward my life (and therefore my blog) will be going in a different direction. I will be living my life in the healthiest way I know possible and not beating myself up mentally to be something physically that is abnormal. Sure you look great when you compete and you've taken yourself to that super lean state. But do you feel great? I felt good but I was tired all the time and hungry. And while those are normal ways to be at times, being that way every day, day in and day out, is not normal. I hope some of you will still follow me as I live my life to the fullest! And experience it with joy and wonderment...just as it's supposed to be! Thanks to all of you that are always supportive and comment on my posts. You are all so wonderful! THANKS!