TRUTH!

I'm going to be really honest here in this post because I need to let it out so I can move on!

So ever since I was sick a few weeks ago I have had NO desire to do any weight training. I can't explain it. And I have no idea where that is coming from. I have only done weights once or twice in the past 2 weeks. I enjoyed it once I went but I'm really not motivated at all to do weights or any kind of resistance training at all. I haven't been motivated at all to do any kind of working out, to be honest. In fact these are my workouts for the last 2 weeks (going backwards):
Today - Zumba (1 1/2 hours - first time taking it and it was FUN!)
Wednesday - Blading (inline skating for those that don't know) for about an hour or so
Sunday - Track workout
Saturday - Weights
Tuesday - Pilates
Monday - Blading
Saturday - Stairs
So as you can see not much in the working out realm.

And then my food has been wickety whack! Haha! Really I've been eating too much, enjoying too much of the not so healthy food, eating sweets, white bread, oil, fries..yep...that's the truth! I don't believe any of those things are bad for you really. But when you're eating a lot of these foods and pretty much daily then you're in trouble. Combine my very unhealthy eating with my lack of working out and well, I don't feel so great. And it's in this moment that I realize I am definitely not concerned about how I look but truly about how I feel. I feel bloated, dehydrated, swollen...just not good. I understand what's going on here. It's not any shock to me at all. I didn't really "let myself go" but I just haven't been motivated and then the less my clothes fit and the more weight I gain the less motivated I become.

I'm in a vicious cycle that many competitors experience but never talk about. I'm here to talk about it. When I write things like this I definitely worry about others judging me but I have to let that go. I can't hide what's really going on. And I have definitely found that the more open and honest I am the more it helps others that are experiencing similar struggles without an outlet like the one I have, this blog. It's not a pretty picture and it's not something even I want to admit but it's necessary for me. Since I use this as some sort of journal it's important to me to document what is really going on with me, my body and my mind.

So after feeling like poop I know what I need to do:
1) First and foremost, I need to be more grateful for my amazing body and all it does for me!
2) Accept that this is yet another journey I am on. I took a journey to the stage and now I'm taking a journey back to balance.
3) Forgive myself for what I've done to my body and mind. It's okay. I didn't know any better. And as Oprah always says, "When you know better, you do better."
4) Accept my body just as it is right now. Don't berate myself, beat myself up, or wish it into a different state. Accept it and love it for what it is right now. Why loathe something that has done so much good for me?
5) Start taking actions with my eating and activity that make me feel better. Cook healthy foods for myself that are also tasty. Do some resistance work of some sort even if it's just with bands and bodyweight at home.
6) Walk at least 3 times a week. Breathe some fresh(ish) air and go inside.
7) Get more sleep. Turn off all the electronics and get to bed early! How many times have I tried to learn this lesson? Let's not count, okay?
8) Take care of myself. Treat my body as it deserves to be treated! This basically sums up numbers 1-7 but I need to reiterate it for myself.

So I'm learning and growing. And I do understand more and more how your food choices affect your activity ability and level and vice versa. Hope you are all having a fantastic Labor Day Weekend! Yay! I don't have to work Monday! Woot woot! LOVE that! :-)

Healthy body...fit mind!

I've finally made a decision that's okay with me. I've been battling my post-comp psychotic body-image long enough. It's time to just be. Just be me and live my life. I'll be my happy self again one day. And I'll learn to love me and my body again. I'll learn to find extreme gratitude in simple and/or basic things that I experience and learn about myself. It's important and it's necessary. I have made a decision to never compete again. I can't do that to myself again. Before I ever competed I think I was sane. Now post-competition I think of myself as a little psychotic and loony. I spent so many months worrying about me, only me, my food, my workouts, my sleep, my feelings, my world...nothing else seemed to matter. Yes, I have read that there are other ways to do it and it doesn't need to consume your life but what's done is done and that was the way it was for me. And then post-comp you go back to realizing that it's not all about you. Not in the least.

And then (and for me...FINALLY!) you start remembering that it's about living...truly living! Taking long walks in your beautiful neighborhood because you want to and because you LOVE the smell of night jasmine in the air or the smell of roses or gardenias and not because you need some LISS cardio. Eating crackers, cheese, salami, and grapes along with a glass of wine as dinner because it brings back great memories and is also delicious! Rollerblading because it is something I truly truly love! Doing pilates and/or yoga because again it is something I enjoy. Or taking a dance class. How about Indo-Row? What happened to that? Haven't taken that forEVER! So as you see my life was much much fuller before I competed. I did all kinds of activities and had a full social calendar. It's not that way anymore and I'm done with that life.

I want to have fun, make brunch and have friends and family over to relax, unwind and ENJOY great food! Not because it has the right macronutrient makeup but because the flavors are TO DIE FOR!!! Yep! That's where I'm going now. I know I had written in my last post that I was going to be in 100% but I guess I'm allowed to change my mind. And so I have. I'm starting here and I'm going places at my own pace. And I'm finding the ME that makes me the happiest. I know what it takes to be super lean and fit. Do I want that? No. The simple answer to that is no. I don't.

I want a body that is healthy and a mind that is fit. In other words, whatever ideas I had when I started my contest prep are gone. I don't want to worry every minute of every day about what to eat when or why. I don't want to have to worry about getting to the gym for a certain number of workouts. I'm not being rebellious. I'm just going with what feels good. WOW! I've learned a lot about myself recently. I think back to the times when I was happiest. And about 5 years ago or so I was happy as a clam. I went to aerobics when I wanted. I rarely did weights (because I really didn't know what I was doing at the time). I dabbled in yoga, pilates, hiking, inline skating, biking, dancing, swimming, etc. And guess what? My body AND mind felt great! I was happy. I enjoyed life. I was an average size with some average muscle but at the end of the day when I went to sleep...I felt great. I remember occasionally cooking with cream and butter. I remember eating fruit. But mostly I remember being happy and enjoying food and being active! Fit I may or may not have been. Active and healthy I certainly was. And guess what?!? I'm going to go back there. That is a space I mentally and physically want to reclaim. And so I will.

I did my figure competition and I did the post-comp blues and now I'm doing me. I'm sure I will struggle since having some fat on my body is something I'm still struggling with that didn't really bother me before. One day fairly soon I'll write my story of how I came to be physically and emotionally the person I am today. And today, Friday, August 19th, will be a jumping off day for me. The day I start to fall in love with myself, say kind things to myself, and truly appreciate my body not for how it looks but how incredibly amazing and fantastic I feel. Yep! Today's the day!

Here's to a healthy body and a fit mind. It's a beautiful balance of the best life has to offer! And so from today forward my life (and therefore my blog) will be going in a different direction. I will be living my life in the healthiest way I know possible and not beating myself up mentally to be something physically that is abnormal. Sure you look great when you compete and you've taken yourself to that super lean state. But do you feel great? I felt good but I was tired all the time and hungry. And while those are normal ways to be at times, being that way every day, day in and day out, is not normal. I hope some of you will still follow me as I live my life to the fullest! And experience it with joy and wonderment...just as it's supposed to be! Thanks to all of you that are always supportive and comment on my posts. You are all so wonderful! THANKS!

AARGH! ALLERGIES!!!!

I'm all for Spring, beautiful flowers and clear skies! It all sounds very appealing but it's killing my mojo! Not to mention my breathing and sleeping and everything else that goes with it! I have to take Claritin every day and it's warm here! But I get tired of taking Claritin because I just don't really like to take medication of any sort. So I didn't take it for the past 2 days. But today the whole "I can't breathe or think straight" thing was kind of too much for me to deal with. Thank goodness I work in an office with AC. I don't particularly care for AC normally but when my allergies are kicking my butt it's nice to come to the office and clear them out a little and then go back to my home and DIE again because of the open windows and fresh air! No, I don't have AC in my place. Well, I have a portable AC but it's not quite the same as central air, ya know!

All this to say that I really want to go inline skating today but I'm not sure I can handle it with my allergies. But I took Claritin so I'm thinking I'm just going to push my luck and see what happens. It's been wayyyyyy too long since I got to enjoy my wheeled feet! I'll let you know later if I went and if I did, how much I enjoyed it!

My food has been pretty on point so far this week. I haven't eaten anything crazy but I haven't been overly strict either. Have you noticed that I seem to be a little confused where food is concerned? I think I am. So I'm just trying to eat the right foods for ME, at the right times for ME, and in the right amounts for ME. We'll see how that pans out. I feel like I can't control my eating very well anymore. I don't understand it at all but that is how I feel. Or not that I can't control it but kind of like I have NO idea what I'm doing with my food and nutrition. I think it's time for an overhaul. There are some things I've learned about me and foods and some I already knew. I think that I really need to sit down and write a plan for ME that will really work best and let me feel the best about myself that I can. It's SO HARD to eat "normally" after doing a competition. If you've never done a competition I can't explain but if you have then you definitely understand. Let me just say that I know it would be a lot easier if I would just do another competition. But I'm not one to take the easy road. Actually I shouldn't say "easy" because that it is not but I would definitely say "simple", at least where my food is concerned. I would know exactly what I'm supposed to eat every single day for every single meal. While that's very rigid, it definitely simplifies your food and choices. Prep was easy for me in that way. Nothing to think about or question. I ate what was on my plan and that was it. SIMPLE! Enter the real world where things are NOT so black and white. I'm drowning in gray matter! Hahahaha!!! Seriously, I am. But I'm going to find my way and whatever I learn I will be happy to share with all of you!

Well, that was quite a rant now, wasn't it? So let me just say thanks. Thanks for being there for me and reading my blog so I can rant away and dump by head on the internet! Such a relief! Well, that's it! I'm off to finish up my work day and then head out to skate! Yahoo! I think I will be fine and I'm sure I'll enjoy my time. It's just the way it goes. Wheels + music + helmet = sheer happiness and bliss!

Rules for Thanksgiving OR How to do Thanksgiving the right way!

Oh yes, this is going to be a very tongue in cheek post for sure!! See I believe like most things in life that some things are just too precious or special the way they are and need to be left alone. For me Thanksgiving and Christmas are that way. Yes, at Thanksgiving I believe that it is ONE meal out of  approximately 2373in a year and it needs to be enjoyed just the way it was meant to be...with LOTS of food!! That is just my belief! So shoot me. There are very few things that I find are traditions that stick around forever. Guess what? Thanksgiving is one of them. Gluttony...food coma...more food....more football...yep! That's the stuff of Thanksgiving. ENJOY it! Have a great time and overindulge! Why wouldn't you? I mean unless you're mid contest-prep but other than that, why not? So live it up! Here are Erin's rules for how to enjoy Thanksgiving the way it's supposed to be enjoyed:

1) OVERINDULGE, Now let's say you're someone who doesn't like to overindulge. That's cool too! You can still eat all you want in much smaller portions and have a much smaller food coma to be in, if at all. But if that's you, do it! Just do you, as they say. Eat whatever you fancy and don't stress out about it. After all, the stress just brings on the cortisol and do we really need more of that? NO! So I say overindulge or don't, whatever you wish! The choice is yours. So make it and be proud!!

2) EAT CREAM AND BUTTER. As Nike says, Just do it! It will make you happy and make you feel like a kid again. Oh yes, what would pumpkin pie be without whipped cream? And monkey bread with no butter? SIN!! How about candied yams? You KNOW those would be no good without the butter. They just wouldn't be. And a pie crust made without butter? Puhlease!!! Not happening! Not in this house for sure!!!!


3) LAUGH AND LOVE. When was the last time you really had a good belly aching laugh? Isn't it time you did? Use this day to find something that just makes you laugh till you wanna die! Warning: Make sure you do this before Rule #1 or you'll be VERY sorry! And love yourself, your friends, your family, your wine, your food. Have a LOVE FEST!! Why not? When was the last time you did that?


4) EAT EVERYTHING AND DOUBLE UP ON YOUR CARBS. No, don't hold back or think you don't want it. Can you think of one thing you don't want on that menu? I can't think of one thing. Talk about carb cycling? Now this is a great day for carb cycling. You can't even use it for your high carb day. You have to use it for your EXTREME carb day!! At least that's how I envision it. See with all that I plan on throwing down that day I can only see carbs. Yes, I will eat a slice or two of turkey but for the most part..um, no! Carbs it is!! Cranberry salad, cranberry sauce, candied yams, monkey bread, apple pie, mashed potatoes, stuffing, another cranberry salad,pumpkin pie.Oh boy...I better be careful before I drool on the keyboard!

5) WATCH FOOTBALL. Now you don't even have to care who's playing or winning, if it was a good play or bad play. All that matters is that football is on and you HAVE to watch it. Even if you never watch it, on Thanksgiving you HAVE to watch it. And you'll need it to be on for Rule #6!


6) ENTER A FOOD COMA. If you don't get this right you clearly didn't follow the aforementioned rules. And that, my dear friends, would be a shameful way to spend your Thanksgiving. And since I don't want you to be ashamed when you go back to work and people ask how your Thanksgiving was, you definitely want to put a little extra effort here. Make me proud!


7) WAKE UP AND REPEAT RULE #4. Admittedly, this is a more advanced technique and not everyone can do this one. But real champions and those that have proved themselves in Thanksgivings past will most certainly be able to pull off this feat. Go for it and see how you do. Now this second round you will definitely need to take it down a notch. Your plate should still look full but not crammed as your first plate should have looked.


8) GIVE THANKS. Whatever you did or didn't do, experienced or didn't, give thanks that you're here, alive, well, breathing, with friends and/or family. And be grateful for the beautiful bounty that is put before you. Whatever it may be, each day find something to be grateful for but on Thanksgiving challenge yourself and name at least 10. And if it's a particular person that you're thankful for, contact them and let them know. You can do that the old fashioned way (postal mail), slightly old fashioned way (telephone call), not so old fashioned way (e-mail), or any new way (text, IM, tweet, blog, Facebook). But let that particular person know that you are grateful for them and let them know exactly why. It will make your Thanksgiving even better!

Yep, that about sums it up. Erin's Rules for Thanksgiving! Now get out there and get your workout on because come Thursday you are REALLY going to need it! Especially if you play by MY rules!!!!!

Life is interesting

One thing I will say about life is that it surely is dynamic! You just never know what is going to happen from day to day, how you will feel, who will surprise you, who will lift you up, who will let you down. I'm so glad I have a goal that is attainable and measurable. It just makes my life have purpose and that is great! I don't remember the last time I had that. Probably about 20 years ago when I was graduating from college. Nothing was going to stop me then. I was going to graduate no matter what it took and wouldn't you know it, that last year I got the best grades I got in my entire 4 years in college? That just shows you how you can do something really well when you're focused and you have a goal.

Dynamic living...what a concept. Life is constantly changing and you had better too if you want to keep up with it. I love seeing what's around the next corner, what the next challenge will be, what new adventure awaits, what funny story will come out of today or tomorrow. Life is so fantastic that way. You can't count on it to behave the way you think it might. And aren't we lucky it doesn't? Can you imagine how boring that might be?

The new people that may appear in our lives, the old ones that remain, the changes in relationships, the changes in one's self. So great! Really so amazing. Life is fascinating to me and I'm glad to be alive to experience life to its fullest with all the wonder it has to offer. Love it!

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean